In Defense of Difficult

As a general rule, I don’t drink decaf. Right now, though, I’m seriously considering it. Since I’ve arrived back in the States, I’ve witnessed firsthand just how much moving abroad will change you. When I walked into my bedroom for the first time in three months, it felt more like a hotel room than home. If I’m being honest, I still feel like I’m a passerby, living someone else’s life until I pack up and move abroad once more. Then again, it could be the copious amounts of caffeine flowing through my veins. I should really switch to decaf.

I’ve had many-a-relative question what my life in China was like, and I still haven’t formulated a real, honest answer. My boyfriend Christian noted that I did a lot of complaining while I was abroad. “I’m so damn cold all the time”, “I can’t wait to live in an uncensored country”, “I’m sick and tired of everyone staring at me.” I told him that I missed being in China. He asked me why I would miss a bad experience, one that left me both frustrated and tired most days. I told him something I needed to hear myself: not all difficult experiences are bad. I hadn’t quite realized that this was why I felt so odd to return home. Being back in WNC is easy— everyone speaks English and I’m constantly surrounded by people who look like me. I don’t wake up every day wondering who is going to sneak a picture of my red hair or ask me why I’m in rural China.

Being back home has made me realize that I like difficult. I’ve realized how much of my life has been lived in what is easy. It’s easy to strive for the goals people give you, and it’s easy to live the life people expect from you. Putting yourself in difficult situations, though, is what prompts growth. Yes, living in China strengthened my Mandarin, but it also put me face-to-face with myself and forced me to ask myself “Who am I, really?”. I realized that I’m not as much of a goal-getter as I always branded myself as. I don’t have everything as figured out as I thought. In fact, I haven’t a clue what I’m going to major in once I go to UNC. For right now, though, that’s okay. I’ve decided that I’d rather be a little confused than pursuing a goal I’m not 100% passionate about. It may be difficult, but it’s sure as hell better for me.

Wishing you all a Happy New Year and a lovely day!

XOXO,

Sadie